


memory

by fictionalrobin



Series: trans!magnus [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Gender Dysphoria, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Magnus Bane, Kinda, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Making Out, Sad Magnus Bane, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Trans Magnus Bane, Trans Male Character, alec does research, alec loves his boyfriend so much its kinda gross, low-key based of myself, they never get too far, which is more than most people tbh, yet i keep making him suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 16:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13551180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalrobin/pseuds/fictionalrobin
Summary: prompt (from @TheBisexualGirl15): UM....Could you possibly do one where Magnus and Alec are about to get sexually physical and something ends up triggering Magnus of something that happened back when he was a girl and then Magnus and alec talk about it?-alec wants to try out a new pet-name but it goes wrong





	memory

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE IF YA READ THE ORIGIN FIC: i changed Magnus' dead-name to Joyce cuss i thought it worked better than Maggie

Magnus jolts out of his slumber when the door slams. 

He unwraps himself from the blanket-burrito he's managed to form in his sleep and sits up. 

"oh, sorry, did I wake you?" Alec says, as he throws his jacket on a chair and hurries over to the couch. 

"...no..." Magnus mutters groggily. Next to him, the TV is banging with an abandoned episode of iZombie, he blinks at the screen. 

Alec smiles and dumps down next to him, "hi." 

"hi yourself," Magnus yawns.

Alec chuckles, "watcha watching?" 

"oh, I have no fucking clue to be honest," Magnus says and scoots closer to Alec, "I just put something on. The first episode was good enough, but I kinda...fell off." 

"you mean you fell asleep?" Alec corrects him. 

"...maybe."

"rough day?" Alecs hand goes into his hair and his nails scrape pleasantly across Magnus' skull. He sighs and leans into it.

"a bit," Alec smiles and leans over to kiss him. Magnus hums, "I had a really bitchy vampire yell at me." 

Alecs brow furrows, "did he hurt you?" 

"no." Magnus smiles against Alecs lips, "I send him away. I am very capable of protecting myself Alexander."

"I know," Alec leans in and kisses him again, "but I like taking care of you." 

"is that so?" Magnus smirks, "why don't you demonstrate?" 

Alecs giggles before connecting their lips once more, though much deeper this time. Magnus makes an effort not to smile. Slowly, Alec pushed Magnus down on the couch so he could straddle him. Usually, it's Magnus doing the pushing and straddling, but right now Magnus is tired and worn out from magic, and it feels nice to be taken care of for a moment.

 _T_ _aken_ _care_ _of._

The thought makes him smirk, but it's cut off by soft lips along his throat. He hums and leans back to expose his neck further. Alecs kisses are soft and tender. No bitting. Just gentle love and care. It's always like that when Alec tops. Soft, sweet, warm. 

"I love you," Alecs lips tingle his neck, "you make me so happy." 

Magnus doesn't say anything. Just smiles in response. He knows Alec can't see it, so he intertwines their fingers instead. Alec squeezes his hand in response and continues his path down Magnus' throat. 

"I love waking up next to you," Alec kisses the bit of collar exposed at the edge of Magnus' shirt, "I love coming home to you," his fingers tingled up his chest before they even reached his collar-button.

"I love the way you say my name, like it's something beautiful, like the name of a poem or a painting." 

Magnus huffs out a small laughter. _It is_ _the_ _name_ _of_ _something_ _beautiful_. He shivers when Alec opens up his shirt and pushes it aside. The cool air would've hit him by now if it wasn't for Alecs warm body and mouth pressed against him. 

"I love your laugh too, I could listen to it all day," Alec says before wrapping his lips around Magnus' right nipple. Magnus lets out a soft hiss and runs a hand through Alecs hair. Alec smiles and licks the now hard nub before continuing downwards. 

Down towards his scars. 

Magnus' breath hitches when he reaches that part. Which is silly. He and Alec have seen each other naked plenty of times before. Granted, Alec had never noticed the scars, or if he had, he'd never said anything. But Alec hadn't known then. About their origin. Not before now. So maybe

No.

No, Alec is fine with it, he'd told him so. Magnus trusts him. It doesn't change anything. Alec. Just focus on Alec. 

He carts his hands through Alecs mop of dark mess. The strands run silky soft between his knuckles, and Alec giggles at the sensation. The movement sends ripples of tingles trough Magnus skin. 

"I love your rings, and your glitter and your jewlery, and how you always look like a shimmering god," Alec says, before he nips at his abs, "and I love these." 

Magnus snickers. 

"but most of all I love how you make me feel. Not just physically, how you've shown me so much, shown me what love actually is. You make me so happy." 

"you make me happy too."

Alec smiles and kisses his stomach, "you are my joy." 

Magnus freezes. 

It almost takes him a second. Almost a full second to realise. What is going on. What Alec had called him. 

 _"_ _you_ _are_ _my_ _joy_ _._ _"_

 _Y_ _ou_ _are_ _my_ _joy_ _._

_"Joy."_

_"Joy!"_

_"Joooooy."_

_"Joy?"_

_"Joyce."_

_"Joy-cee."_

_"Joy."_

_"JOYCE!"_

_"Joy?!"_

_"Joy!"_

Everything came ripping through him like a hurricane. Every time. Every time anyone had called him that. Every time he felt like someone punched him in the gut, knocking all the air out of him, leaving him hollow and crippled. How he wanted to scream, just _scream_ _and_ shake all of them and yell _that_ _is not_ _my_ _name_ _that_ _is not_ _who_ _i am_ _my_ _name_ _is M_ _agnus_

_Magnus_

_Magnus_

"Magnus!" 

He gasps. Wide hazel eyes are staring concerned into his. Alec. He's in his livingroom. 

"hey, hey are you okay?" 

"I..." Magnus trails off. Why is his throat so hollow? Where did his voice go? 

"what happened?" Alecs hand came up to his face. His hand collides with Magnus' beard when he stroaks his cheek because _he has a_ _beard_ _and a_ _flat_ _chest_ _and_ _hes_ _far_ _away_ _from all the_ _other_ _stuff_ _._

"I'm okay," he doesn't know if he's speaking to himself or Alec. He sits up. 

Alec moves off him, "what happened?" He asks and takes Magnus' hand. 

"I-" Magnus' throat closes in again. He wipes the tears away. When did he start crying? "y-you said something." 

"yeah?" 

"you called me your...j-joy," he takes a deep breath. It feels like saying that word. That name. Requires twice the amount of oxygen. He takes another deep breath and reminds himself that this is _A_ _lec_ _he's_ _talking_ _to, Alexander_ _who_ _loves_ _him_ _no matter_ _what_ _. Ale_ _xander_ _who_ _he_ _can_ _trust,_ "Joy...that used to be my name." 

There.

He said it. 

"oh," Alecs thumb stops drawing circles on the back of Magnus' hand, "oh my god, I'm so sorry Magnus,"

"i-it's okay," he mumbles, "you didn't know." 

"I still feel bad," Alec says. 

"you shouldn't," Magnus leans back. He feels oddly light, "it's just...it's been a long _long_ time since anyone called me that, and i just," he shakes his head in an attempt to illustrate, "it all just came rushing back." 

Alec reached out for his hand again, "I'm sorry." 

Magnus leans closer to him, so he can rest his head on his shoulder, "it's fine. I'm okay now." 

Alec plays with his rings, "are you sure?" 

Magnus almost smiles, "I'm sure."  

"okay, okay because I did some research, a-and they talk about dead names and how they-" 

"-wait," Magnus sits up," you did research?" 

"y-yeah," Alec, "watched a couple of videos, read some articles. 'dos and don'ts of dating a trans guy' and such." 

"wow...Alexander that's....that's so sweet of you." 

Alec smiles, "I guess I wanted to understand it better," his fingers draw stars on Magnus' hand, "how I could help you, support you." 

Magnus nuzzles his head back into Alecs neck, "thank you." 

Alec kisses his forehead, "always." 

**Author's Note:**

> I still get a little scared of something new  
> But i feel a little safer when I'm with you  
> Falling doesn't feel so bad  
> When I know you've fallen this way too
> 
>  
> 
> !!!!!!!PSA!!!!!!!!  
> so my both of my tumblr blogs got deleted, my main blog (@polar-robin) as well as my side blog where i posted my fan fictions (@fictionalrobin)
> 
> IF YOU KNEW ME ON ANY OF THOSE URLS THIS IS ME
> 
> i have yet to set up a new writing blog, so if you want to read my fics, you can just follow me @robinowich (it’s a lot of work to set up a blog and I’m already exhausted from setting up my main one)
> 
> no i don’t know what happened, to me it seemed random, however I had just edited my settings for the new privacy policy thing (WHICH IS IMPORTANT CUSS I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF ANYONE HAS EXPERIENCED A SIMULAR PROBLEM)
> 
> anyways, I lost 350 followers on one blog and close to 100 on the other, as well as three years of gain, and I had to set up a whole new email address, because tumblr still registered me as a user even though my blog had been deleted, and it just said “your blog has been terminated” when i tried to log in :’)


End file.
